I Blog Because...

I am a wife, a mom, a servant, a seeker and a follower of Christ. I am blogging to chronicle my own journey with God with the hope to inspire others to deepen their relationship with Him. Perhaps my mistakes and blunders will make you chuckle. Or, maybe, my disappointments, mistakes and learnings will speak to your heart. I often write at night, so forgive the grammatical mistakes and misspellings. This is a place for me to empty my mind and thoughts, with the hope of one day blessing my 2 girls with the raw honesty about life from their mom. I invite you to journey with me and share in my joys and sorrows as I seek to know my Lord. Proverbs 8:17 "I love those who love me, and those who seek me find me."



Monday, October 18, 2010

Day 1 Debrief - Home from my mission trip. Now what?


Time to lean into feelings, thoughts and next steps with God.  This is a scary and uncomfortable place for me.  I have been overwhelmed by the silence in my home today.  This is such a change from all that I experienced over the past 9 days in the Dominican Republic.  I miss the sounds of animals and motorcycles.  I miss the merengue and bachata music blaring from the bar down the road.  I miss the voices of my Dominican friends.   I miss the people I have grown to love, serve with and pray with.  I miss the church and worshipping with my brothers and sisters. "Cantaré de tu amor, Rendiré mi corazón ante ti, Tú serás me pasión, Y mis pasos se guiarán por tu voz.  Mi Jesús y mi Rey, De tu gran amor cantaré."

It grows increasingly more difficult for me to leave and separate myself from my Dominican brothers and sisters.  Monte Cristi feels like home.  La iglesia feels like my church home.  There were many moments when I felt that all that was missing was my husband and kids.  While in Monte Cristi, I felt as though I had everything else I could ever want or need. I felt wholly and completely in the center of God's will.   God has placed an incredible love and burden in my heart for these people. I thank God for this, but at the same time, I grapple with what it is that God expects me to do with this love and burden.   Have you ever been desperate to hear from God?   Have you ever asked Him the same questions over and over again?  Have you cried out vocally, in desperation?  Have you fallen to your knees and begged for God to speak?  Have you approached God without words and only offered sobs and moans?  Has He ever been silent?   Have you ever been there?  That's where I find myself, in a season of seeking but receiving silence. 

I suppose when God is silent, it is a reminder to us that He is sovereign and we are not. That He will speak when, and where, and how, AND when He full well pleases, and not just when we demand it.  His silence reminds us of His reality. You and I don't miss things that are not real. You and I don't long for unicorns (at least I hope we don't). When God is silent, it is so painful because we so badly need the reality of His presence in our lives and we need Him to speak to us.  That pain is a reminder of God's reality, I guess.

Today is painful, emotional and difficult.   I wonder if God is silent or if I am simply unable to hear His voice.    Has God already revealed His will and spoken?  Am I expecting far too much information and details from God?    There are times when I think I have discerned God's will for my life but I become paralyzed with fear of the unknown. I feel inadequate for such lofty goals and vision.   What if God is waiting on me to move?     During my prayer time today, with fear and trembling, I made a covenant before God to passionately invest my life in obeying Him and reaching the world no matter what role He has for me.   I will continue to cry out to the Lord:  "Speak Lord, for your servant is listening."Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Thank you, God.  Thank you.  

I am settling into this silence, waiting and listening for His still, small voice.   I will praise my Savior and sing of His love.